The rains and sunshines of my life: Budding, blooming, and withering...

Friday, March 31, 2006

Xiao Bai 小白

Or if translated directly would mean, Little White. :)

I vividly remember my childhood bear. It was a present from my youngest aunt when I was 2. It was a simple bear to many, but to me probably my best childhood companion. Xiao Bai (Little White) was medium size white bear with brown glass eyes and a small nose of brown strings. It has the most innocent and sweet face.


Xiao Bai lying on the table in my previous, previous house.

By the lake in Resovoir

Like most of the bear lover kids, Xiao Bai followed me pretty much every where; picnics, holidays, shopping, etc. In fact, I think he very much lived my life. But due to my sinus, my mum was not very fascinated with me tugging a bear along me everywhere. Soon, she persuaded me enough to leave Xiao Bai behind and I became less attached to it. Once in a while, I do take out Xiao Bai, but before long, he faded from my life. When I first left home at 18 to further my studies, I never even gave Xiao Bai a thought. And when I returned, Xiao Bai was already gone.

Taking him to the park

Taking him everywhere I go... Was posing in a gigantic hatched-egg actually. :P

Front view of Xiao Bai


I was quite sad over it, but then again the most precious things are often not kept by our sides, but treasured from within. Xiao Bai will always be in my heart. I am happy that Xiao Bai is creating a memorable childhood for another kid somewhere out there.

Taken in my previous house, that baby is not me :P

Englarged... -_-.... Miss him...

Notice the Big Bear behind. He was my first softoy that my Dad abuse as his couch pillow! 0_o He was a lot bigger than me that time (1 years old).

Christmas, another handsome bear of mine. The bear is not dirty, its the old photo's fault


Oh, and just for the note, Yue Ding song is driving me crazy. It keeps replaying in my head. I wish I have the album!!! :(

p/s: photos are really old so bear with it please.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Back to Work

Fuuuh, yesterday’s hectic schedule and 13-hours-crazy outing proved too much for my much pampered and aging (but not old :P) bones. Hehe… After a really long day, I finally went home at about 10++pm. Took shower and then threw myself on bed immediately. Came down with a splitting headache… Half of the head was heavy, numb and aching, if you know what I mean. Must be the hot weather. Since I usually freeze in ice box (1Si office), so my body probably can’t due with the sudden change of temperature.

Anyway, I didn’t spend another single cent since last night’s post. Hehe… Was planning to, but didn’t. Well I nearly did la, but it was so rushing so I don’t dare to buy in case I regret later. You know, me and my fickle mindedness, how can I make decision in such a rush wor. I was at speedy, looking at the albums (yes, I support original once in a blue moon if I really like a certain album). Actually I wanted to get something original long ago, but then never had the chance to.

So when I fell deeply in love with Yue Ding, I told myself this is the one original album worth buying. To my disappointment, they didn’t have it, but they had this compilation of Perhaps Love, original soundtrack! *Wow* I almost forgot I was really into all the songs in that movie, so I picked it up. Then I saw Lin Yi Chung’s first album, another rising artist whose songs I really like. So I picked it up too. Then I saw Nicholas Teo’s… okay, then I couldn’t make my mind which to buy, because my budget was to only get one. See, I’m not a spendthrift, I plan before I go, so I cannot go against the plan! :P In the end (and in the rush) I left all three. Now, I’m thinking perhaps I should have bought Perhaps Love one, but I’m going to hunt down Yue Ding first.
Okay, I think the next leave I take I’m going to have a less hectic, more laze-in day. But well, that will be probably quite some time from now. :/

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Expensive Day

Hie people! Just fulfilling my daily blog post. hehe... Erm.. today's been quite eventful... And also expensive. Hmm, make that VERY expensive. I managed to somehow burn away at least (in my memory) cash of 600++ in just half the day. Goodness knows the real amount of expenses actually incurred when the bills arrive later. And it's not like I have gotten everything I wanted already. I guess human (like me especially) are just greedy. I feel very high maintenance all of the sudden. :/

Well, actually, it was carefully planned, so I don’t think you can actually call that a waste of money. :P Yeah, I already planned to spend RM500 today, like few weeks o, and the rest just chipped in along the way.

Woke up around 8am, I guess after the routine of waking up early you can’t really sleep in. Started out from home at about 9am for breakfast at Mum’s favourite special pau (bun) place. Coincidently there’s a photo shop next to that place so I sent some old time photos for developing. Then cause it wasn’t ready yet, so we (my mum and I) went to Standard and Chartered for some business thing. Glad to say, the customer service is good (local standard evaluation). Well, I guess that’s because there’s this staff from Singapore. The one from Kuching wasn’t that bad either, but she wasn’t very helpful. After getting whatever wewant, we went around Golden Triangle, and even Hilton. Well, I guess that’s where most of the expenses incurred. :

Went for a hair cut. Haven’t had one in ages. The guy (Sheldon) told me he graduated from Vidal Sassoon in London about 10 years ago. And he recently went back there for 3 months to give some training. Apparently, he’s an instructor there. What really make me respect him is he came back to Kuching because of his grandmother. That’s so touching… :) I mean, he could have stayed there made much more money. He said 30 years later (a nicer way to put after his grandmother leaves him) he will move to L.A permanently. He will spend the rest of his life (I think he is already rich enough) bringing his grandchildren to Disneyland. Hehe. What a naïve (in a simple nice way) thought for a guy. This is what I meant by people knowing when to be satisfied with what they have. Another guy in his shoes may have most probably be money crazy. His charges are really cheap compared to others. His skills are definitely on par if not better. He’s a really humble guy.

Okayla, cannot say more, have to move to spend more cash. Oops… Well, actually I already save a lot on other days ma. Now got something in heart to buy, so have to buy loh. I considered a long time already okay… Like half a year! And I haven’t even got the chance (or cash) to get a digital camera. -_- I guess I have to learn to be satisfied. Byez!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Yue Ding ~ Michael@Guang Liang

約定
Yue Ding
Agreement

主唱Sang by: Michael Wong (光良)
作曲Song written by : Michael Wong (光良)
作词Lyrics by : Michael Wong (光良)
Translated by : athlynn17

说好的
Shuo hao de
We've agreed

三年不见面
San nian bu jian mian
We won’t meet for three years

用我們的爱把时间留住
Yong wo men de ai ba shi jian liu zhu
Let our love preserve time

你笑者说这是我們的考验
Ni xiao zhe shuo zhe shi wo men de kao yan
You smiled and said that this is a test for our love

我們的約定
Wo men de yue ding
Our agreement

就这样
Jiu zhe yang
Just like this

三年又过了
San nian you guo le
Three years have passed

我还是回到这个地方
Wo hai shi hui dao zhe ge di fang
I still go back to this same place

闭上眼等你的出现
Bi shang yan deng ni de qu xian
Close my eyes while waiting for you to appear

空氣中吻你的臉
Kong qi zhong wen ni de lian
Kissing your face in the air

我還記得
Wo hai ji de
I still remember

我們的約定
Wo men de yue ding
Our agreement

一輩子幸福的約定
Yi bei zi xin fu de yue ding
Our lives’ joyful agreement

為你寫的那首歌
Wei ni xie de na shou ge
The song I’ve written for you

他也偷偷的掉淚了
Ta ye tou tou de diao lei le
It also silently cried

我還記得
Wo hai ji de
I still remember

我們的約定
Wo men de yue ding
Our agreement

我比以前還更愛你了
Wo bi yi qian hai geng ai ni le
I love you more now than the last time

連那風都笑我了
Lian na feng dou xiao wo le
Even the wind is laughing at me

我想他會告訴你的
Wo xiang ta hui gao su ni de
I think it would’ve told you

你會記得
Ni hui ji de
You will remember

我們的約定
Wo men de yue ding
Our agreement

一輩子幸福的約定
Yi bei zi xin fu de yue ding
The joyful agreement in our lives

為你寫的那首歌
Wei ni xie de na shou ge
The song I’ve written for you

他也偷偷的掉淚了
Ta ye tou tou liu lei le
It has also cried silently

你會記得
Ni hui ji de
You will remember

我們的約定
Wo men de yue ding
Our agreement

我比以前還更愛你了
Wo bi yi qian hai geng ai ni le
I love you more now than the last time

聽着風我也笑了
Ting zhe feng wo ye xiao le
Listening to the wind,I also laughed

他一定會告訴你的
Ta yi ding hui gao su ni de
It surely will tell you

我更愛你了
Wo geng ai ni le
I love you more now

A break from 1Si!

Well, yesterday promised some of you people to blog about certain something today, but sorry it had to be postponed again. Cause I couldn’t get hold of any digital camera. No photos wouldn’t do the post any good so just wait patiently.

Anyway, I’m taking leave tomorrow! Yippie! Hehe…. I could just do with a break from 1Si. I wished I had taken it today instead cause this morning it rained, and is now pouring cats and dogs and ducks and chickens outside. So nice to sleep in but I had to pull myself out of bed. *Sigh* Hope it’s like this again tomorrow morning! :)

Actually my leave is not for a break, but rather to give myself time to catch up with the things lagging behind. Too much that I had to take leave to get them done. Hope they will all be settled by tomorrow, but fat chance cause some authority people still hasn’t replied me and I am waiting very anxiously. I guess I will just have to get everything else done before I start rushing that party.

Well, this may be a bit stale already, but still… Just updating on the badminton team’s performance in Commonwealth. Well, the men’s singles and doubles were an all Malaysian affair so not very exciting. Anyway, just for the record, Lee Chong Wei beat Wong Choon Han (21-13, 21-12) to grab the gold. I think it’s high time for Choon Han to bow out from the arena. He has been there, and done it, no reason to feel unsuccessful, but should realize he is no longer in the league.

In the men’s doubles, Chan Choon Ming-Koo Kien Kiat beat the scratch pair Choon Tan Fook-Wong Choon Han. Women’s doubles Wong Pei Tye-Chin Ee Hui also managed to grab the gold (21-17, 21-19) after beating Singaporean pair (I had not bothered to look at the name :P). The only imperfect record would fall in the women’s singles where Mew Choo failed (12-21, 15-21 ) to repeat her brilliance in beating top seeded Tracey Hallam few days ago in the team’s final (27-25, 20-22, 21-18). However, I still think her spirit is there and shouldn’t be blamed for not achieving gold and termed as ‘heart breaking’ by STAR. She had after all suffered a back injury/ pain. Yet she chose to go all out for the team’s event to win the gold. It was very unselfish of her instead of most players’ thinking of ‘sacrificing’ the team’s gold to secure her individual event.

Guang Liang (Michael) has got another new song. Actually it’s been out for some time but I just got the chance to mention it now. It somehow has the same taste of ‘Tong Hua’ but I had never really liked Tong Hua. I really like this one though. This new song of his is Yue Ding (Agreement); the MV also got Tong Hua’s taste. Haha…

It is about a dumb (as in no voice) girl who taught him to play piano until he became really successful. Then when he became successful and famous, the dumb girl left him because she saw he has admirer(s) and thought they (Michael and her) were no longer a match. Then, Michael held a concert (a bit... exactly like Tong Hua concert style) to look for her because they promised to stay apart for 3 years. She came but did not go to her seat. She hid near the exit to listen to his touching ‘Yue Ding’. The last scene is of her calling him (from the place they always went together) and finally let out a ‘sound’ which I have no idea if it meant she had regained her voice. He ran from the auditorium to the place they had always dated. But the girl had already left… :) Watch the MV lah if you want to know the ending. The lyrics is real nice too.

Monday, March 27, 2006

A Devil's Grim, An Angel's Hymn

How far and deep are my sins?
How vice and wicked have I been?
I gave you nothing but a devil’s grim,
Yet I’m returned an angel’s hymn.

I’d dance to the devil’s muse,
Your kind heart I consciously abuse,

You never blink of slight amuse,
My mistakes you patiently reduce,
Ardently offer your forgiving juice.

Once born a devil,
Always an evil,
You’re not born an angel,
Yet evermore archangel.

Forgive my distance,
Pardon my cold,
My petty ignorance
Couldn’t be more bold,
For even a devil evil like me,
Hasn’t the heart to dim,
The angelic golden rim,
Your beatific soul beams …

How I’m entertained in 1Si (via email)~lame

btw u noe we have to submit result to get our scholar?

submit wat result to get wat scholarship..be more specific..wat toking u
(duh! wat other result & scholarship can a petronas scholar think of?)

Submit utp result to get the 1500 scholar we get every month y u so blurrrrrrr ish nid to talk to the dot…..
No submit by hand to utp… I flew there last wkend man…. By HAND ah!

huh u tipu or wat...
i check utp site no announcement like that
hmm... if u serious then tomorrow i try go klcc...maybe they got work...try ask...if cannot oni i go utp
see how to learn driving..haih

Hahaha.. I tipu..half (sniggering away that he believed i flew there to pasup result by hand)
Ok it lidis.. must pasup result by hand bthen I ask la how I pasup since im in swk so he say email so I email to him…. Its in elearning announcement u go check for the email cos I forgot oso. If dun pasup money wun go in.. n yes I get 1500 per mnth wat u get? (take note of sarcasm)

u flew last weekend to submit, wasted one month of money already (didn't he read my msg?!?)
btw, dont they have in their database..want by hand for wat... -_-

one month oni rm500 la..3 months is 1500...aduhai.. (hahaha, another blur trying to be smart msg)
hmm..i got no email from esu..nvm la..tmr wake up early go klcc...sun pin watch movie ahha
u sure ar got this notification...u scan n send by mail?

Nolarrr I neva fly there la aduihh.. blurcase yg teramat sekali… hahhaha
I email them NOT they email me!!!! *vomit blood*
Huh? Wat database… ish *PUNCH*
I dunola freddy got say in Yahoo group long time ago wat… the announcement quite old have to scroll down down…

*PUCNH**PUNCH* ish cant u sense the sarcasm in the 1500/mnth.
(no idea how the topic became like this...)
did i break ur heart?..im so sorry... i broke so many i didnt realise i was breaking urs...ahahhaha....oh u got something for me?...mana..tak ada pun...sorry i too many fans ahhahaha

Eh (censored) *serious tone* (so i decided to play along and make his day)
How can u lidat? Cant u realize my feelings for u since we splitted into our own depts, EE. in utp? Go class oso together, eat, jog, midnite movies, drive u around, ... y wud a girl wan to go wf u lidat if not because she like u??!!?? seriously dun tel me u duno... and if u din noeee... why u lead me on???? Seriously break my heart la u.... sumore a girl like me? U think I flirt around... if im not interested I wun even glance at u!!!!
(while typing the above message I wished I hadn’t taken any lunch or breakfast for that matter, and was sniggering away in front of my monitor, looking quite mad)

Meanwhile I was dying from suppressing my laughter…, waiting for his reply…

(after about quite some time for him to recover from shock….i think I scared the hell out of him, and he chose to reply in a safer way *aiyah*)

uh-huh i oredi knoe that lol....*yawn*...anything else u wanna add..
wah tell u ar, if the girl i like tell me liddat...eternal bliss lolr...ahahah

(can’t believe he din fall for it.. I know it’s lame but for someone as ego as he is would have blindly fall for it…. and not ready to give up so..)
Don’t bother to reply if u hav no feelings... *slaps*

ahah if wat u said is true..hmm.. im truly happy (haha, see, he hopes its true so he can add another rare record of gals falling for him) ..ahahaha...but sorry haha..nya nya nya... (btw now got a woman in my dept laughing away, like chin) (hmm, this person must be too eng in office... brain short circuit somehwere..or open circuit d...ehhee)

N u dun even bother to console me....
:~~~~~~~~~(
Dun tell anyone my crush for u *hmmph* (gags)

u think i knoe u when...yesterday ar
since when does (censored) make the first move...since when does (censored) so open tell straightforward...everything sure keep wan hahaha no im not trying to console u..wanna slap u now..but too far..cannot haha

Hahaa... kay kay I really nearly puked man typing that....
Stay tuned to my blog ;P *hiak hiak evil laugh*

dont bluff, ur sv just mail me she said u happily typing there la hahaha jk haha sorry la...im not (censored) or(censored) or (censored)....or whoever in the past..hahaha...so it doesnt work on me..muhahahaha ur blog?..wats the add again ar..ahhaha okk...i will

the rest is so heavily censored that it wun make sense so no point put here…

Then my SV happened to walk by and saw all the stupid, censored emails! *Arghh* I guess she tried to turn a blind eye on those junk but couldn’t resist a smile.

Nevertheless, I was entertained enough to stay awake because my office is just too boring for words. I gave up d larr… not worth upsetting my stomach typing more… crap

He was saying if it was his dream girl saying so to him it would be his eternal bliss, but too bad, things never happen the way we want huh? ;P

Friday, March 24, 2006

Don't Worry, Be Happy (2)

Hmmm… I kind of forgot that I ‘promised’ that I would share more on the ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy' book by the medical graduate monk until someone pointed it out. Hehe.. thanks.. Ok so this post will be bringing another excerpt from that book.

/Once a man and his son were taking a donkey to the market. As they were walking, some people saw them and remarked, “Look at these fools, why don’t they ride the donkey?” The man heard this and asked the son to ride the donkeu while he walked alongside. An old woman seeing this remarked, “What is the world coming to? Look at that young man riding comfortably while he make his poor father walk!” So, the young man got down and this time the father rode the donkey. As they went along, a young woman passing by said, “Why don’t both of you get on the animal. So they listened to her and both rode on the animal. Yet another group saw them and said, “Oh! What a poor animal. It has to carry those two fat good-for-nothings! How cruel some people can be,” By this time the father and son were getting fed up. They decided to dismount andcarry the donkey instead so as to stop everyone from talking. This led people to laugh and said “Look at these human donkeys carrying a donkey.”

When you try and please everyone, you will end up pleasing no one, and in the end, you will only land yourself in trouble. You can never please all lecturers. As long as you are not totally wrong, it would be good enough. You can never listen to everyone as well. You may listen for opinions but eventually you have to listen to your heart and make decision that is best for yourself. Nobody knows you better than yourself. Trust your instinct and decide what is best for yourself.

Don’t try to please everyone when you try to please everyone you will end up pleasing no one./

There! That’s (exactly) what I always have in mind. So just take note, I don’t drift with crowds. I walk my own path. Sometimes it (my path) happens to be within the crowd, but other times I just need to take another way. The worst mistake you can make in persuading me to do / go something / somewhere is by saying “Everyone’s doing/going” (yet it seems to be the reason most people think will make me go/do what they want). Because if you have everyone behind you, why else would you need me? ;_)

I know everyone (especially the college / university society) will always try to keep up with the ‘in / hot / happening’ stuff / group. It is not that I disagree of them. As I said, I tend to think that since everyone is doing it; why else do you need me? I can do much more at something no one else pays attention to/ care about. And if that something has expanded enough to maintain well, I will leave for other less sighted things.

For example, you are running a charity event / collecting donation. I will donate / participate if (in my idea) you need more support. If I see everyone else rushing and lining up and even competing trying to donate / buy your tickets, I would think you have more than enough support. It is not that I do not want to support you. You have more than enough! It is synonymous to eating a whole pot of rice on Monday and then starve for the whole week! There are many charities we can do out here. There are too many unfortunate people. We cannot just focus on what we can see, because the really pitiful ones are usually left unseen and unnoticed. It is a really saddening fact. Therefore, isn't it wiser if we spread it out a little more uniformly?

I respect your decision to be with the group, why should my decision not to follow be any different? It is not that I purposely want to isolate from the group. I do follow sometimes. But if I see another need somewhere else, I will let go of those who need me less. My participation / absence in a large crowd would not affect much. Yet, in another totally neglected group, it may make a great difference. After all, we all have one aim right? To help the needy? I am still doing the same, be assured, but it may not be seen or as established as what most people would like to be involve. Charity, all should always be reminded, is not a popularity contest.

While we dine in expensive clothing, and relish on enticing dishes with perhaps the most luxurious silverware, for maybe just a night, it could have fed a number of famished people long enough to save them from starvation. I do not agree with you, but it does not mean I am against it (e.g.: I don’t like you, it doesn’t mean I hate you). You may think, “What? We have earned our right for this lavish life!” Which is why I am not against it, but I choose not to follow it. Because our priority may be different, thus we tend to take different choices. No one is more right than the other, because the right and wrong is only in the eyes of the beholder. And if you ask me, no one is wrong, because you judge the rightness and wrongness based on with your priorities. If your priority is to get 4flat this semester, of course fooling around is (more, but not entirely) wrong. Whereas if your priority is socializing, mugging an “Idiot’s guide to socializing” all day long will never get you there.

Okay I sound like a preacher. Bottom line is: If I want to, I don’t need persuasion at all. But I sincerely thank all concerned friends who willingly share their sincere thoughts with me. I am a human after all; I still need reminders. Thank you very much. Lesson ends here today. :P

RestlessSSssssss

I’m sooooooo restless. I have so many much more important things to doooooo. But all I can see, hear, talk, do, and think about is... something else. Argghh…

I want:

More freedom
More options
More peace
More time
More guts
080912
All of which if you notice, is something money can’t buy. Though the cetak rompak (pirated) versions are probably possible.

Finished reading? Yeah that’s about it. Trust me, that’s it for today. ;P

One

I wish there’s this someone,
To whom I can say ‘I missed u so…’
One who makes me forget woes,
When he’s by me all forgoes,
One who’s out there for me,
When I plunge he catches gently.

One soul that merges with mine,
One whose love forever divine,
If I befit his one and only,
Then he’s the only one for me,
Once the wedding bells chime,
One till the end of time.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking

You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal.
You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk.

You should major in:

Philosophy
Music
Theology
Art
History
Foreign language



Yeah, everything but what I am really taking... But really, if I had more freedom I would choose in the order of:

Philosophy> Theology>Music>Foreign Language> History>Art>Engineering... ;)

Don't Take Me Forgranted

If you’ve flipped newspaper (or watch any news) last few days, it’d be hard to miss the news where Malaysia Badminton team clinched their first mixed team Gold medal. Wong Choon Han-Ooi Sock Ai lost to the world number one mixed doubles pair Nathan Robertson and Gail Emms but Lee Chong Wei, Chong Ming-Kian Keat and our national star girl Wong Mew Choo won it for us! Big clap for them! *clap clap clap* Wong Mew Choo upset top seed Tracey Hallam despite having throbbing pain on her back. She went all out to win it for the team. That’s the spirit! Too bad I didn’t get to watch them, since I’m working and all. I think Mew Choo has more fighting spirit than some men players in our country (Note: I think, so it may differ from what you think). I mean I usually only watch the men’s game and they have the ‘bo-leng-bo-juak’ (couldn’t care less) spirit. Makes us feel so boiled. Haha… And that cost them to lose unnecessary matches and titles which is kind of disappointing. Anyway, I guess it’s never too late to change. See, Mew Choo has done it. The golden girl! :D

Mew Choo, golden girl


Commonwealth athletes have just some of the funniest name. I forgot the others, but I’d never forget this. Prince Octopus?! Ahahah.. Gosh, and they even joked about his ‘tentacles’. The rest are quite hilarious too but surprisingly I can’t remember any. I burst out laughing reading the news, and others thought I was kind of crazy. I have the tendency to laugh out loud if the thing I’m reading/ viewing is funny. I cannot really suppress my laughs. -_-

I’m dropping dead in front of my monitor anytime. I’m on the second quarter of Q1 review. Gosh! I hope I’m insured for this kind of death. Haha… Then I went to the junk shop to get some sweets to straighten my brains out. And of all the choices or should I say choice left, was the milk sweet. Yeah, milk… Those of you aware of my fussy taste will know what I mean. Well, at least it’s not tea or coffee sweets. Arghh… But I had to do with it since my brains threatened big time failure anytime.

Well, the hot HOT news in 1Si is that it is going to merge with (wait,… Ok, I don’t think it’s confidential, so I can go on) a Germany based company, X-FAB Semiconductor Foundries AG. Everyone is going around inventing possible names like… 1st X, Silicon X, X silicon, XSi (sounds weird, try say in Hokkian)… haha… Well, the rest of news of the merging thing is boring so I’ll spare you…

Last night I had a bad dream. Well, no, it’s not actually bad. It just made me do something that hurt me. I think I have stopped badminton for too long that in the dream, I was suppose to be playing badminton but, somehow it doesn’t seem like badminton to me. I mean we are playing with shuttlecocks with our hands only, no racquet. Then I was trying to smash (yeah, with a bare hand) and I did to. And then I woke up in pain, because in real life I smashed my hand into the wall. *OuchOUchOUCH** My fingers went numb with pain. But then I was too sleepy so I fell asleep again in the midst of enduring the bone-pain. Hmmph!

Well, actually, last night I was kind of frustrated (before going to bed). Felt the anger in myself that was really hard to contain. It’s kind of a long time since I felt that feeling, pure real anger (which won’t die down). I think my anger was boiling at few thousands degree. My head was actually heating up. I kept telling myself to shut up, because if I opened my mouth I’m going to kill everyone with my words (even the innocent ones). SO I did. And I went to bed as soon as I reached home cause I don’t know how much longer I can stay dumb. But it’s kind of hard to fall asleep when you’re all heated up. I guess it makes you kind of kinesthetic? Flip here, flip there, punch here, punch there, until I fell asleep.

Sometimes people take your silence, obedience, patience, tolerance, help, etc. forgranted. No, I’m not asking for any reward or what. But I ask that to have my basic rights. I had planned to get it done last night. And I waited for last night so very patiently even though the thing was just too urgent. But someone just had to give me another alternative which I knew wouldn’t work. Nevertheless, I never tried before so I can’t be 100% sure so I agreed. When I reached and worked, I knew I’d never get my urgent case done. The worse part is, he knew it all along but just wanted some benefit for himself so made me use his alternative. It’s like the most important thing in my life, okay, not most, maybe second after…. Anyway, I’m just so pissed. There, I’ve used the word I’d never used yet in my life. PISSED off. But I only kept silent. I think it showed, but as usual he took it forgranted, which is also good cause I’m not really in the explaining mood (and I never am an explaining person, you figure it out, or you don’t, you can think or say whatever you want, it’s not my problem). But I did not want to blame him so the anger and frustration boiled inside me and at one point I thought I was going to behead myself. Really, I wanted to pluck my stupid head off my neck, but well, I didn’t cause it wouldn’t come off. ;P I wasted the whole night of meticulous efforts, but came out with nothing. At least if I can’t use this alternative, I could have went back to my original alternative but he wanted me to stay and time was ticking fast so it was not sufficient even if I had ran off. Or even I could have gone home and catch up with some sleep I so very need. But because I was with him, I had to put up with the entire ‘package’ and waste my whole night. And now, I’ve to dig up another schedule to rework the case. Okay while relating last night experience, it does bring up some anger, but now I think it has died. *Smile ~ anger gone*

Tip to people out there: Don’t try to get me talking when I’m angered because only poison will come out, not words. I can keep them sealed but if you keep poking me, it might just erupt.

The saying that applies to me when I’m in that level of anger could not be said any better. No man is an island, but (when I'm angry) I am no man! Haha… Yeah, back off… for your own safety mah. Okayla, I don’t usually go into that kind of anger. That’s why it’s kind of hard to deal with it. But well, last night’s was pretty well kept right? He still got what he wanted, I just lost one night. Arggh, don’t talk about time, cause it’s one thing I’m always short of, which makes it unbearable when someone waste it for me! Well looking at the bright side, at least he’s happy. I guess I will just have to dig up another time.

Some songs will just make you smile, anytime, anywhere. This morning I heard one of S.H.E old song on radio while driving and it immediately made me smile. It reminded me of a joker guy I know last time. He’s the pretty happy go lucky guy. So naïve, so ‘innocent’, so carefree. How nice. He pretty much always clears up the mess in my complicated life. I always wished I could live his simple life. *Sigh* The grass is always greener on the other side huh? Anyway we kind of lost contact. I think. I mean, I think we still have each other’s contact but we just didn’t keep in touch. Well, that’s why memories are valuable right?

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

My Sweetest Defeat

Yesterday I was leaving you,
I’m all ached and blue,
Today that I’ve left,
I cry over my love theft,
Tomorrow; I’ll recede as you distant,
I pray you be none but only triumphant,
You become my greatest yet sweetest lost,
As tears diverse of pride and remorse…

Specially for the love of my life,
Jan/Jul 2005

My desertion was not because I could not care less, but because I love so much more…


p/s: it’s not a person, ... and notice the nice vase shape! hehe...

Anon

Wow, DC has a really nice ringtone. I haven’t the nerve to ask him what that song is. Oh man, then I realized it wasn’t his phone. Now I found out it was actually ED’s. Didn’t even realized when he slipped to DC’s seat. Guess he misses his seat. Hehe..

Secondly, I hate it (you guess it, or you don’t). It is NO human work. Definitely NOT. And that comment was like when I was less than 25% done. They should get a robot or something to get it done. I’d very much like to see what happens when I leave in April. Hah… Maybe that’s why they are in a rush to finish it now.

Thirdly, I seem to be getting a lot of friends who like to be anonymous (if you think it’s you, think again). Should I be amused? I don’t know. I have to admit (and have always admitted) my memory is bad. I can understand (sometimes…) why you want to remain anonymous. But please, I am a human too with limited brain space. You don’t expect me to reserve them all for you. You don’t call in the middle of the night, and say “Hey, it’s me and guess who?” since you never told me who you are. You DON’T cry over the phone when I say I’ve no idea who you are and you should tell me. You should be thankful (or maybe not) that I even answered an unregistered phone number calling my handphone because I usually don’t (because see where it leads to when I do).

I’m not heartless. I’m just… so helpless in dealing with this kind of people. I’m not a mind reader. I’m not angered, no, just… exparated. I know you read this blog (from what you mentioned). Now, you (all the anonymous people out there), know what I have to deal with (and that it’s not just a few of you), you can decide if you want to un-anonymous yourself. I will stop answering foreign numbers (which is so stupid since I am currently anxiously waiting for important official calls), and if you are a friend of mine, please identify yourself clearly to my ‘telephonist’ first. If not mianhamnida, you will be sure I will always be ‘not around’. Komapsumnida!

Oh, and if you think I should have your number registered but I don’t, it’s mostly because I keep losing my phonebook; I lost my handphone (last last time), lose/ damage sim card once in a blue moon, reset handphone to factory settings very frequently (yes, that erases all data in your handphone, including contacts), etc… I am a wonder at it (losing phonebook) and I’m very sorry for that. So, please be a kind soul and let me know if I happen to ask who you are when you SMS. Thank you first.

I got a pleasant surprise from my pal (the one whom I had a major row with). Actually, not really surprised, since I kind of saw her ‘surprise’ already (I knew it was for me the moment I saw it, hehe). ;P Sorry, I’ve got sharp eyes. I didn’t pry though; you just weren’t ‘covering’ enough. But then I didn’t see ‘it’ again since so I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. Then, this morning I saw ‘it’. Haha.. okay la, I am still surprised. Thanks!

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

When You Do

If one day you find your new love,
I’ll wish you the best for future days,
And even if from my world you’ll dissolve,
It’s forever stained with your face.

If one day you find your new love,
I’ll be cheering from your behind and above,
And even if you find it hard to admit,
I won’t mind or blame, not even a bit.

The day you have found your new love,
I’ll be in tears of joy and sore,
And even if you silent your changed love,
I can take it alone, just as before…

Work, work & work...

I did not think I’d have the time to blog today. But since everyone went to the CEO addressing in cafeteria I shall therefore… make full use of this opportunity. Haha.. The new engineer, DC is finally here. He looks like a fresh grade to me (which means don’t look a lot older than I am). He always make me jump cause he comes from behind (which I can’t see) and suddenly ask me a question. Overall a nice guy, and seat mate.

And today I did the most stupid thing in the world. Well, I was drafting a formal (suppose to be) email in Outlook when DC approached me to ask something. I wanted to show him something on my computer and accidentally sent the email which was totally unfinished! I tried to recall the stupid mail but it did not send me any report of success/failure in recalling. Aiyoh, feel so paiseh cause the mail is like rojak. I hope it was successfully recalled though. Cause I tried recalling from my own foreign (non-1Si) email address and it was successful but it also did not send any report back. So maybe the system is stupid and only reports when it is a 1Si address.

Actually today nothing much to blog about la, that’s why didn’t blog in the morning. My work has increased incredibly since last week because they are doing the Quarter 1 review. It is bad. The sheets on my table are overflowing. So many routine things are lagging because I am currently concentrating on this Quarter stuff. Since I’ve so much work, I’d better get back to work. :(

Monday, March 20, 2006

Freezing Monday

Today, as I was editing my weekly report template, it reminds me I’m already in Week 16! Phewww… That’s half way through my internship already. How was it? I don’t think I learn a LOT regarding EE stuff since most stuff here are confidential. A bit maybe, on the surface only. So, now I’m half way through, I have another half to go. Ironically, I’d want the IT to finish as soon as possible yet I dread, okay make it loathed the idea of going back UTP. I have no idea how I lived there for 4 years. My activities in UTP are basically go classes, drama-thon, badminton, occasional movies, last minute cramming, projects, owl-sleep-hours routine… Feels so no-life. Mere thinking of it makes me feel so depressed. On the other hand, I can’t wait to graduate which can only be achieved if I go back and suffer another UTP year. Argghh… I think I can safely say, the last day of my final paper in my final term will be my happiest day (or among) in my life. Yes, you just have no idea how much I love that place.

Contrary to how I feel for UTP, I very much love (no sarcasm ok) St Teresa. Anytime I walk in there, I can almost hear the chats and jokes we all make. I can ‘see’ us walking out of classes, how we stuff illegal stuff up our ties, or offering blazers to hide them (clears throat… okay Teresian juniors, this is a bad example, looks right and left.. no teachers around? and whispers but it is useful…) or even prefects cuddling the posts (as Mdm Sandie say). I went there once when it was quite late, and I can ‘see’ all choral speakers rushing (in the rain) to go to main hall for night practice. See, I even have night memories of it. In short, I feel home whenever I walk into St Teresa. But she has changed much. Even our principal, Mr. Tan, the Mr. Ever-Nice guy is no longer there. And if you haven’t visited her, you might not know that the shaded carpark has been cut into half where there is a gate in the middle you can enter directly instead of turning a whole big round to the main gate. It is all shaded, means no umbrella also okay, you can walk from classes all the way to carpark without going into open air. But when I walk into UTP, I can only see one thing; the next chance I get to step out of it. Hehe…

I am changing department (yeah, I know I’ve said it many times) in April (see that’s new right?). This is because they think I’ve grasp enough basic to be doing testing of wafers and electrical stuff in FAB. So I hope that is a bit more EE-benefiting. I’m supposed to do a project, and I’ve brought it up to HM like infinite to the power of infinite times but she gave me “ You won’t finish it in time, I can’t guarantee you a project… bla, bla, bla rubbish.” over and over. No wonder she didn’t dare to come to meet Ms Suhaila. And I’m probably getting to her nerve so I’d better stay quiet for a moment. -_-"

I think she can break it down, or just create a surface project (like study/research) on her BIG, BIG projects. It’s not hard right. It’s just that she doesn’t bother. And so now I’m trying to propose my own project base on goodness knows what. If only she’d let me take a look on the BIG, BIG projects, maybe I can do and finish it in time (since I’ve always finished their work in half or 1/3 of the time they thought reasonable). Or if not, at least I can brainstorm my mini project based on her BIG, BIG projects. May be her projects are confidential.

Well, weekend was… blank. Haha.. okay, I mean I don’t even know how weekend fly past so fast. Feels like I did nothing or maybe did lots till I feel weekend-less. This has got to stop. Every week I complain of the same thing, being weekend-less. I can’t have a whole 32 weeks of internship weekend-less. I’m going to find some weekend this week. Today I’m going to freeze. Forgot my jacket. I knew I was missing something but just couldn’t figure it out. I had told the maid to put my jacket in once she had washed it, but she forgot I guess. Can’t blame her, since I’m the one freezing, I should remember.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Happy Birthday

As this day starts anew,
I gaze up the skies so blue,
Touch the leaves bathed in dew,
Seep in the fresh air in queue,
In my mind I already knew,
The date will again come to view,
And as the cool breeze gently cue,
I whispered the words soft n few,
Pray it to reach safe before due,
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday to you..

I actually created the above poem a/few year(s) back, forgot when. Since there's so many March babies I'd like to wish them all Happy Birthday and dedicate the poem above to them. To my long time, far away friend, Minn, Happy Birthday and take care. :)

Best Pals

I… killed my relationship with someone recently. Well, I think so. We were best pals / sisters / companions. And I know she’ll be my best pal forever. We know what each other have been through. We have pulled each other away from the grave hole. We have staggered through the ‘wars’ together. We nursed each others wound. And yet a blast of conversation ended it all.

If you want to know how I can be so cold in boy-girl-love-relationship, it is because something else made up for it, significantly. I am a total loser in any other relationship, e.g. friendship. I ache more over a ruined friendship than I would ever over a romantically involved relationship.

Yet it is only after losing her that I realized her significance in my life. I regret my words very much. Hers stings deeply too. But what really pains me is I realized I’ve hurt the person I treasured most. I tried talking to her (reconciling) but her silence and ignore made it clear I was no longer any more important than nothing to her. She made me feel rejected, insignificant and unimportant. And it hurt more than any mortal agony.

She made me realized all these while when I was giving up, she was the one pushing from behind. All the time, I felt like leaving, she made me stay behind. Every down moment, she’s bound to be in the scene. She erased the pains, bandaged the wounds and gave me the strength to start all over, to accept what seemed unacceptable. But now she’s left, I feel so weak all over. She’ll remain my most treasured miracle in this life. Our memories will be my sweet dream every night.

Two days later…

We talked and laughed like the nightmare never happened. I guess we both know we shared so much we practically embed each others soul that we couldn’t let just one blow blast away our friendship. I’m just too happy for words. I guess relationships can only get stronger after some squabbles. Our mutual understanding has gone far beyond. In any way, I thank her for once again making me feel whole. :)

Friday, March 17, 2006

The Gift of Sight

One evening I fancied a stroll,
Down the street, then into the mall,
A kid came dancing I wonder how old,
He smiled at me and also to all.

Never have I seen a gayer soul,
His joy so warm in the winter’s cold.
His bliss so strong, I could almost feel,
Without warning, he came to my heel.

His little palm slipped into mine,
His boyish face with a naïve shine,
“Lost…” he said in a tiny whine,
I clasped his palm with assuring sign.

Together we trotted along the path,
His silly jokes got me to laugh,
He truly had my day brightened,
But then he halted, his steps frozen.

I feared and asked “What happened?”
He sighed but still remained silent,
His smile feeble no longer radiant,
I said “You’ll be home before sky darkened.”

He shook his head vigorously,
He freed his hands from mine slowly,
He lifted his finger uncertainly,
Pointing my heart, he whispered gently.

“It's freezing in here incessantly,
You’re hiding in there so cowardly,
Listen to your laugh very carefully,
You’ll find it teary, never jolly.”

My soul awaken,
My heart molten,
The first warmth shone,
All bitter frost gone.

“Yes, these tears has the blessing,
That your laughter has been missing,
For the world will never cease breathing,
Even when you denied in believing.”

I wondered “How did he know?”
My hidden shatters others forego,
He said “I have the sight everyone withholds,
My heart sees beyond the bends and folds”.

I gave him my hands to lead,
And saw all wonders I never heed,
My heart soon learnt how to beat,
To the rhythm my soul gleefully skipped.

My rainbow was but shades of grey,
Now vibrant of colours we portray,
My music was but a dull note off tone,
Now our melodious, heavenly hymn upon.

Little did I know, the one in chaos,
Wasn’t him but me, I was so lost,
For the ones who really needed leading,
Are the ones who never realized a thing.

I thank him for showing me the way,
I appreciate him for making my day,
Even though he left me lost again,
He gave me the best yet bargain.

He saw much more when his eyes were blind,
He feels less now after his sight refine,
I now see light though I gave him mine,
I cling to the warmth he left behind.

Communication Means (exc Hp)

Talk about being out of touch. After moving to my new house for 3 whole months, I still can’t get used to the idea of being out of contact. I am only reachable via my handphone, and I can hear some of you say that’s more than enough, but trust me it is not. Whoever thought, snail mail would still be as important, and telephone (permanent line) are actually still a gadget of convenience.

Because recently I have been busy with something and that something happen to require filling in lots of forms and all of them requiring permanent address, which I naturally filled my current new one. But you see, the thing is I do not know which address to put. The developer has informed us of our actual address but it seemed most official letters (which safely arrived to our new home) were using different address (using SL and L*), while the address provided by the developer only uses house number. And the other thing is, our house has no number yet (as in we haven’t put up the number sign as it is still not ready), and trust me the numbering of houses in our area is not running. So after few weeks, I am still waiting for the ‘package’ to arrive, but it (or they) did not. So my mum had this brilliant (in a way) idea to post ourselves a letter and see if the postman actually knows the running pattern of house numbers in our area. After one week, there was no news. But the day before yesterday, I saw the envelope with my mum’s writing addressing (the number address) to me in the mail box. Yes! So now I am waiting for my packages to arrive. But isn’t it a bit too slow (even for Pos Malaysia standard) to take like 2 weeks to deliver a Kuching letter to a Kuching address? Now I wonder how long I have to wait for my packages as they are international.

So how important is the telephone then? Yeah, practically everyone has a handphone, kids, teens, adults and even the ah mahs (grandmas) and ah peks (grandpas). I think babies would have too if they are able to actually hold then as they mumble gibberish. But then, handphones are not capable of getting you on net on streamyx. *Arrgghh* the frustration of being net-less. So again, I asked my efficient mum to chase after the Telecolm people who are taking ages to get us our lines. The record of getting a line from Telecolm I heard from a neighbouring housing area (TJB1) was 8-9 months! By then, I’d be rotting in UTP with an even better line. *yeah rite* So then Telecolm advised us to get CDSM / CSDM or whatever C (shit in Cantonese) it is, which is a wireless phone line that requires RM135, RM70 for phone set and RM 50 for installation and another fee for something else. But that line only allows dial up connection not Streamyx. Better than having nothing for the rest of my time in Kuching right? Then it happened that Carrot’s mum (who works in Telecolm) went to school (where my mum works) so my mum asked her about the CSDM thing. She checked and advised us against it since it is really unstable as the signals are really weak. Then she told us our area should get lines by the end of this month (yeah!) so let’s sit back and see if Telecolm is working up to their Gantt chart.

Tomorrow is an important day, to me (and my future’s future) at least. I hope I ‘do well’ and everything goes smooth. Though the process has not been smooth and actually backfired and shot me in the chest, I will still pick myself up and go for it. I had known making the Choice A wasn’t easy, so whatever bombs they have in arm for me I am ready to take and endure the wounds and continue walking towards my dream. All I can say is, it is at least the least of a dream I can have and achieve. They can as much rip off my right arm, I will learn to use my left arm and still achieve it. But maybe things are easier said than done. And maybe I’d rot in hell for it. But if I have never done it, I will never know.

* SL= sublots, L = lot.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

UTP Supervisor Visit

The past Wednesday, my UTP supervisor visited me in my host company. To tell you the truth, I did no sort of preparation for her visit, because it was just a visit afterall, no evaluation. However, that morning I came over a template of IT visit report, so I decided to do it then (8:30am). It was short and simple but quite a rush since I had to come up with a Gantt Chart all of sudden (recalling activities I have done and drawing the stupid graphs). Nevertheless I finished it before she arrived (despite her arriving half an hour earlier).

Anyway, before she arrived (her visit scheduled at 10am), I was afraid she couldn’t get through the security house (who are quite fussy when they are very free) far away from my office. So I decided to remind SH, whom I had passed the SV visit letter a week or two ago to let him prepare the paperwork for her entrance. I went down to HR office, and saw a crew of weird people edging each other out of the way. I use crew because they were wearing really weird attire. I mean, you’d know in a millisecond that they are not 1Si employees. As time was not very generous at that moment (was 9:20am), I didn’t bother and cut through them.

Then I walked into a very ‘proper’ HR office. I mean, usually HR is kind of busy with the hustle of people pacing back and forth. This time I only saw a guy in the pathway, totally blocking my way to SH. So I excused myself and he gave me a weird look but I went on (no time to analyze what looks meant). It was after a while when I realized there was a SHOOTING in HR. I saw a camera first, then the lightings… Oh my, I didn’t know where to duck. Why in the universe is there a shooting in 1Si (and at this time on this day)?! But, I think I’m convinced the camera didn’t shoot anywhere near my angle.

Anyway, I found SH and he actually gave me the blank look. He already everyday has the huh-which-planet-am-I-on look, but today, I am ready to believe he didn’t know which universe he is in. Gosh, he flipped here and there, and then said he lost the paper I passed him. He mumbled something like he received more than 10 documents a day. Oh hello… I receive like 20 to 50 a day and I don’t go around losing them. Some more he asked me if I was sure I gave it to him. Duh! I mean, I was really sure so I said yes, but he seemed to be waiting for me to flick out my wand and ‘acradabra’ my paper out from his desk. Anyway, he didn’t find it in the end. Probably threw it away when I gave him.

So I asked him what to do to get my lecturer the permission. He said verbal permission is accepted too. I waited for him to pick up his phone and call the security but he did not. We stared at each other for a moment. I don’t know what he was waiting for but I was sure waiting for him to take some action so that my lecturer won’t be stranded. Then after an awkward silence…

Me: Er, so just call the security?
SH: Yes.
Me: (wondering if he meant I should call myself) So… who should call the security? Do I ask my manager for that?
SH: (look taken aback) Sure, can if you prefer so, but I can call also.
Me: (okay you can call but you are not calling and my lecturer may arrive any minute now) So, when should… erm, you call?
Sh: Oh, when she arrives.
Me: So I have to let her know to let me know to let you know to let the security know before she can enter. (can’t you call them now?!)
SH: Yes (pleasantly)
Me: er.. Okay (confused). Thanks (and went back to my office).

I had just reached my seat when CH came to me and said Ms Suhaila was waiting for me at the lobby. I even received an SMS from Ms Suhaila saying she arrived. Aiyoh, so paiseh keep her waiting but I had to wait for KC who had to inform HM then had to drag SL to come along. The rest went well.

After the meeting Ms Suhaila needed SH signature since he’s the one who gave her the permission in, he needed to sign to prove that he met her and she did not linger around snooping or spying. It went like this

SH not at his seat, so we asked CH.

Me: Excuse me, Ms CH, my lecturer needs a signature for this pass to allow her out.
CH: Oh hie, Good morning bla bla bla.. (greetings with Ms Suhaila and introducing themselves)
CH: (looking at piece of paper) But it’s for SH.
Me: Yeah, but he’s not here… (don’t know what to say)
Ms Suhaila: So can you sign on his behalf?
CH: No, no I can’t. I’ll get him to sign.

SH walking in with his ‘macho’ walk.
CH: Mr Wong, need you to sign here.
SH: Why? (in the tone a kid asks why when asked to do work)
Ms Suhaila: Cause I’m a fan! (enthusiastically) Haha…
SH: (Quiet. Signs the pass.) Okay, done. (Looks up at Ms Suhaila) So,…
CH: This is her lecturer (motioning from me to Ms Suhaila)
SH: (seemed just awaken from deepest slumber) Oooooh, you are the lecturer! Oooohhh… Look like a student too HAhahaha
Ms Suhaila: Thank you, I hope that’s a compliment. ahaha…
SH: Hahaha

(The rest of formalities) and Ms Suhaila left about 10 minutes after, while I returned to work. :(

Be a Doc at Heart

I met a new neighbour. Their house is the first corner unit of the double storey terrace on the same row as mine. They are a family from Sarikei. They’re out here to visit their new house (notice its house not home). They’re going to rent it out. We had a little friendly chat when my sis and I walked pass. Friendly lot of people. And they are about the first neighbour I actually talk to.

Okay, minus the family who parked and locked their lorry with a steering lock but left keys dangling on the door. *shakes head* My mum and I actually saw it when we passed there on Sunday morning. We thought they would wake up and realize but then the bunch of keys were still there when we passed there in the evening after fetching my sis back from tuition. So we decided to ring the door bell and let them know. It can’t be considered a proper conversation right?

My family’s been having the sick bug lately. My brother got sick for about a week. And much to my parent’s dismay, he got all the HFM symptoms. Yes, tick from the first to last symptoms. Spots, fever, loss of appetite, bla bla bla… They actually went to a different clinic every night (because every night his fever went up). 4 nights, 4 different clinics. The second night they went to Kuching Specialist Centre which definitely did not live up to its ‘specialist’ name. The doctor took my brother’s blood to be tested, since he has high fever. And guess what? He didn’t look confident, and a chi a cho here and there, then halfway through taking, the blood clotted. Lousy doc and I just wonder which university he actually graduate from. Like that I can also be a doctor.

If you are thinking of becoming a doctor but don’t think you can help save lives or make sick people better, or at least try your best effort to, please reconsider. Plain ogling at the ‘cool’ status and fortune of becoming a doctor will not get u there. And if you do get there (like the particular doctor in KSC), you are only a ‘doctor’ on that piece of junk paper your university is blind enough to award you with not a doctor at heart. If you don’t think you can help people, at least don’t do any more ‘harm’.

And after that, he had the nerve to ask for a second take (which my Dad rejected). What la. Where’s his manners and apology? I advice people with critical (or even minor) condition please do not go KSC because you just might lose someone who might have been saved in another medical centre. I am not saying all the doctors at KSC are as bad but who would want to take chances right? We all only have one precious life so we can’t afford to lose it right? In any case that he might be a newly graduated doctor, let’s hope he learns to be a better one in future. But I just thought doctors should pass those basic techniques before they can graduate. Or do they actually graduate before their first attempt of practical? *ouch.. okay, okay I know there’s a lot of good doctors/ doctors-to-be out there so save me your surgical weapons. I’m just talking about that doctor not any other.*

Then it was my Dad. Flu and fever too I think. He’s about the healthiest person in the family so it’s kind of weird seeing him sick. I mean I’m usually the one with tissues and jackets and looking like a dead dog. But I think they’re both recovering well. Get well soon.

I am starting to think I have a pig instead of a dog as a pet. I mean, Hola is just plain dumb. The only thing he has learnt so far is that he should not come anywhere near me when I have a rotan in my hand. Good for that. At least it is one way I can get some peace. Tiger is not much better but then he seldom bothers himself with us so he kind of saves us doggy-troubles. Besides chewing shoes, sandals and playing hide and seek with them; they are always digging in the garden, bringing soil all over the place (garage and patio). And they are scared of anything else that moves. Yeah they may bark heroically at any threats outside the gates but when the gates are open and the ‘threats’ can really threat them, they scamper away. What kind of dogs are these two? So much for hoping for the two to take care of the house.

Oh and the SPM result statistic is accurate. And sorry to say that to date I have yet touched the ‘needlework’ which I left undone since the night I bought the materials. I don’t think I have time for them during weekdays. This coming weekend maybe, but oh, I have plans already. Busy weekend. So, maybe the weekend after next. *gasp* It’s delaying further than I had expected.
Didn't blog yesterday cos was fully occupied. Will update it another day.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Memoirs (2)

My kindy times passed without much significant memories. I have moved in with my parents full time. I remember we moved quite a number of times. We stayed somewhere before, I can’t remember the name though, and then moved to Star Garden. After Star, we moved on to Matang Jaya, where most of my childhood memories are. The neighbours on my right had a son. He was about my age. But they were very unfriendly; not only to our family but also to the whole neighbourhood so most people do not bother about them.

We had wonderful neighbours on our left. The uncle is involved in lion dance troupe. Every Chinese new year we would have lion dance troupe to both our houses. The lion dance troupe then was terrific (compared to the ones this year)! I forgot what I used to call him. They have 3 children (I thought 4 but I can’t remember the 4th so let’s stick to 3); two daughters and a son. The eldest daughter was like an elder sister to me. Her name is Lian Hua which means water lily (I think). She’s quite pretty, slim and tall. The second daughter is called Xiao Mei. I used to wonder why they call her ‘little sister’ because she was not the youngest in the family. I also wondered if they would call her ‘Da Mei’ when she grew up. The wonders of children’s thoughts. Their youngest son (I forgot his name, did I ever know?) is the same age as my sister so he should be 15 this year. I remember this because the auntie next door helped to take care of both of them (her son and my sis) together when my mum had to work. We were like brothers and sisters. The memories are vague but I remember we always parade together during lantern festival.

I made quite a lot of friends in that neighbourhood but I can’t remember most (or any) of their names. I remember a girl about my age staying opposite my house used to be my cycling companion. There was a Malay boy, a little older than myself, whose name was Zul. Why did I remember his name? Back then (was about 7) when I asked his name he replied in a small voice. I was not familiar with Malay names yet so I thought I heard ‘Zoo’. Haha… when I thought back, it seemed really funny that I called him ‘Zoo’ all the time. He was a really nice boy. It was quite a nice circle of friends I had back then. Nevertheless, as we grew up we didn’t keep in touch because we went to different schools and started to have our own activities and circle of peers.

Back at school, as you may have guessed, I went to St Teresa’s primary school. I was in the yellow class, the babies of the year. We were sorted into class according to our birthdates; Red class for Jan to April, May to August in Blue and Yellow for September to December. I cannot remember my first day in primary school. Funny, but it must have been insignificant then. I also can’t remember how I got to know my friends. I think my earliest friends I can recall in my memory are Jenny and Kelly. I always admire Jenny because she has beautiful handwriting (and my mum never failed to remind me of it). I had a problem then because I was very slow in writing. I often fail to finish copying what teacher copied on the board. Jenny is always my lifesaver. I forgot why I was so close with Kelly but the three of us were just inseparable like the three musketeers. And we drive the teachers nuts (or so they think) because we talk a lot. Every year during the Parents day, I would have the same comment, that I talk a lot.

I used to join the dancing class in school when I was in primary one and two. I forgot how and why but most of the time back then I just do what is asked. So it must have been my parents’ / teachers’ intention. But the dancing did not last long when I finally had an idea of my own and thought it was too girlish for me. Plus, I definitely wasn’t (and still isn’t) a stage person.

When I moved to primary 4, we had streaming and we (Jenny, Kelly and I) somehow drifted off. Kelly was in Blue class, while Jenny and I were in Red. Being the kiasu kids, we competed (every recess time) to get Kelly as our friend. Somehow it wore off, and Kelly was better off with her new Blue friends. I made another new friend, Jennifer. She was a pretty girl and I think still is to date. She is fair and has nice features. I visited her during Chinese New Year and after that somehow again that friendship drifted apart. Later I found myself among the mischievous monkeys i.e. Eing and gang. Yes, and that talkative comment on Parents Day were without fail. I get severe scolding for it, and I guess it was then I started to detest (erm, not really detest la, just don’t bother) talking. I think it builds up my habit of only talking when necessary. As you can see, my whole primary school was full of everything but studies. I had no idea what studies was all about even. Not surprisingly, my results for UPSR were not idealistic.

If you asked me a teacher I would never forget from primary school, it would be Cikgu Sabri. He is a loud teacher with fearsome tempers. I was really scared of him for he walks around the school with a fat stick in his hand, ready to whack. I can clearly recall one of the rubbish collecting session with him. Our school has this system that every class will take turn to be responsible for school cleanliness every day after recess. We would go around picking rubbish. Our school compound comprised of un-shaded area, field and shaded area which is the hall and the canteen. The hall and the canteen are separated by a divider wall. I forgot what triggered his volcano that day, but it erupted and everyone was running for their lives. He was charging from the hall, and everyone ran towards the canteen, and when he came over, everyone was on the other side. Something like playing, eagle and chicken game but of course a whole lot scarier.

As my school is a catholic school, there was bible class. Somehow I followed it. I go to church too, with my classmates and friends. My mum was hoping me to be a good kid. I did learn quite some bit about Christianity and nearly (but somehow did not) baptized when it was the time for most of my friends to. I could not understand why after all those years I did not become a Christian. But maybe Buddhism was waiting for me somewhere down my path.

Outside school, I started music lessons at the age of 8 or 9. You could imagine my excitement both before and after the first lesson, but in total opposite manner. Before, I was so excited to get my hands on the electronic organ. After, I couldn’t wait to get my butt off the chair. Little did I know it was just the beginning of my years of music class. The agony and torments through the years were unbearable. I whined and complained and rebelled at every lesson, and practically did not practice at all. My parents who were music illiterate could not do much since they won’t know even if I had made a mistake during my practice. I played pieces blindly (substituting complicated, out-of-reach chords with simple ones but blending in tune) just to satisfy their request of making me practice. But they soon got tired of it so I had it my way.

When I was about 11 or 12, I was first introduced to Buddhism by the Sunday Dharma class in Kuching Buddhist Fellowship. I learnt my most basic and got my first understanding in Buddhism over there. The teachers were very compassionate and patient with new learners like me. The lessons were conducted in Chinese which made it even harder for me as I am not Chinese educated. Nevertheless I enjoyed the classes and it felt like another family to me. They helped me through a lot because I was even having trouble reading the text. They thought me the basics of Buddhism like the name, history and basic teachings of Buddha, all of which I totally had no idea of before. They also thought me the right way to hold the joss stick, steps to bow to the Buddha, and the right walking pace for the chants. Because it was a small class, they could pay attention to all and ensure that all the students know the appropriate ways. Whenever there are any new students, the basic teachings will start all over for them and for older students it would be a practice. Therefore, all the students in Kuching Buddhist Fellowship Sunday Dharma class knows the right way of basic Buddhist’ movements.

I made a very close friend there, Sylvia whom I later lost contact with and was sad over it for quite some time. However, other friends were just as nice and they were really friendly and helpful. I remember a girl being nicknamed ‘Ping Guo’ which means apple, and she really does remind me of an apple. She has a bubbly character and is ever so smiley. She has rosy cheeks (just like an apple) and she’s always helping me out in classes. We had a lot of activities but I can only remember participating in one of them (due to parents' contraint). We went to the Matang Family Park and had a picnic. There were game sessions as well. At that time, Sylvia was still attending the class and both of us stick very much to each other so I did not know many people well. But it was through that picnic that I made some bonding with other friends. That was also the first and only activity and bonding that I ever had with them. Sad to say that if I were to see any of them on the road today I don’t think I can recognize them anymore, not even Sylvia. But I think I still can remember Apple’s face, though she may look different now.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Weekend and Memoirs (1)

My weekend has been… contradicting. I had finally taken the first and hardest step in realizing my Choice A. And it went so well! I am so happy. I could have practically flown. I didn’t expect it to be so easy mah. Now with the first and hardest step overcame, I can proceed full swing into the choice. Yippie!!! I’m keeping my fingers crossed for the rest of the steps. I really, really hope I can get through it as smooth as I want.

The contrasting part came later. It was somehow minor (for now) but still spoilt my soaring mood. Have you ever felt you tried so hard yet not getting the anticipated outcome? Well, it’s kind of tiring and depressing. Used all my effort and strength to ‘protect something’ yet in the end the other party just couldn’t care less and won’t even spend one second thinking/ considering what may befall should the person proceed with the person’s action. Anyway, I got over it. I’m kind of occupied (and dead beat) myself lately so I just told the person what I thought; I wouldn’t go to the extra length just to ensure whatever the person did nothing bad would outcome. I think I’ve got to stop being such a busybody. I’ve got to stop thinking 10 light years ahead and start seeing tomorrow. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. Well, at least till I recover from my exhaustion to be a busybody again. ;P

Today, SPM result is out! Guess how St3 is doing? 18 straight A1s and 31 straight As! Of that, they have 17 with 10 A1s and 1 with 11 A1s*! Think this is the best achievement so far since my year. The only year that finally beat my year I think (can’t remember how many in my year around this figure too). The years before this, the number was so pathetic that I don’t need to remember my year’s numbers of achievers to know that we are still the record scorers. Keep it up Teresians! Oh yeah, congratulations to Carot or rather to Crystal for achieving a brilliant 10A1! How come now got 10 subjects? Not 9 meh? Unless she takes Music or Bible or.. or Accounts? Hmmmh… I am out of secondary education system for too long already. Out of date.

I’m thinking of doing my memoirs. Bit by bit. I mean most of you probably know part of my life. So I’ll start from what my first memory illustrates.

My earliest memory is of me banging my little head and limbs into the gates. Yes, very smart. When I was little and not schooling yet, I was taken care by Aunt Nyari**. She has two sons, one of which was of my age. Evidently, he became my first playmate. During weekends, my parents and my aunts and uncles and cousins would go for a picnic at Matang waterfall. It’s always a simple get together but fun. *Sigh* Life as a toddler is so nice!

After the eventful weekend, Sunday night is usually a torture for both me and my parents. I’d have to return to my aunt’s place but I just won’t listen. So they have to ‘lie’ to get me get to my aunt’s place and ‘lie’ to get me to sleep but I just wouldn’t even blink. I’d make all sorts of reason to get up from the ‘sarong’ (the buoyant that swings to make kid’s sleep) and walk around to stay awake, e.g.: going to the toilet for the zillionth time for the night. Well, eventually after a painstaking night, I’d fall asleep.

The next morning I usually wake up with a startle. Of course, my parents would be gone by then and I’d do the banging (hands and head). When I get tired, I turn to my cousin and get him to play with me. Even though I cannot remember much of our playtime, but I’m sure he didn’t bully me because I’d never forget those who do. ;P So, basically that’s how the first few years of my life past.

Soon, I enter the schooling phase. I liked it so much because now I get to stay with my parents. I still vividly remember my first day in St Jude. Everyone else was crying. I felt nervous but was gulping it back. I think made a deal with my parents that I would go to school without fuss if I want to stay with them. After school, Mum fetched me to her workplace. She works in the St Teresa’s secondary school which is just next to my kindergarten. Somehow after a while, she didn’t think it was a good idea, so I was arranged to follow a classmate’s transport back to my grandmother’s place. I remembered the first time how I struggled, nearly ripping off my mum’s gold necklace off; just to get into her car.

After the first time however, I liked the idea because I get to play with my ‘favourite’ cousins at my grandmother’s place (my grandmother is staying with Aunt Jane**). So, usually I have fun with Jessica and Jonathan until my parents pick me up. We enjoy games like the tissue-eating competition, anti-cpain-pinching etc. Jonathan usually invent mean games that put Jessica and I through pain (yet we were stupid enough to put up with it because we didn’t want him to call us babies) until he grew ‘out of us’. Looking on the bright side, Jessica and I never grew out of each other till today. We’re still as crazy about each other as we were 2 decades ago. And we’d persuade grandma to bring us to the nearby shop to get some junks or candies. We also usually wait for this grandpa (not our grandfather but a relative somehow) because he’d give us some junks/ candies/ money!

Well, I think that’s where I’d stop for today. I shall continue again another time.

**Aunt Nyari is my mother’s sister in law of her second brother, third among 7 siblings. They have two sons. Robert (Wei Ming), her first son is already married (by now) to a really (VERY) beautiful Kenyah (I think) girl from Miri and he’s even got a son (Miguel Dylan) last year who shares the same birthday as me! They are currently residing in Miri. Her second son, Robin (Wei Tiong) was my earliest playmate. My latest friendly memory of him was I think he tried to teach me to swim in the Damai pool. He is currently working in Komag, Kuching. I haven’t seen him for quite some time and I guess we are becoming strangers. Both her sons are good looking (mixed parentage), tanned and tall and have that tough look and obviously very unavailable.

**Aunt Jane is my mother’s eldest sister, second among the siblings. She has a son, Jonathan, and a daughter, Jessica. She is married to Uncle John who was the headmaster of St Joseph’s primary school. He is now retired. She’s currently working as a secretary in (erm, not sure of that building’s name) Bangunan Sultan Iskandar (?... How come got sultan name?). Anyway, it’s the building where you go for JPA scholarship interview or to make My Card or passport, etc; the government building at the King’s Centre flyover. Jonathan ventures his way to be a professional hair stylist and is currently undergoing his training program in KL. Jessica picks up her fathers footstep and is taking the TOEFL program in IPBA (Institut Perguruan Bahasa-Bahasa Antarabangsa), Petaling Jaya. For your information, Jessica is this smart kid who used to be the routine number one in her class, skipped primary 4 (after the primary3 exam, forgot the name) and also an ASEAN scholarship recipient (but rejected the offer!). She was the Head Prefect, and also Head Section Leader for Red Crescent society. I can’t keep the record but there’s more. I think she’s trying to beat her Dad’s head (master) title, by collecting the ‘head’s title before she even graduate from St Teresa. Maybe that’s why she’s a bit sot (crazy) in her head. ;P

*statistics may not be exact but nevertheless around there; will confirm again ASAP.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Choices' chances and timing

It’s been bothering me quite a lot lately. That certain dilemma. Actually, it all started from a dream. It’s not that I want believe so much in my dream, but my dream has proven itself, or rather dreams have proven themselves, to be far more than dreams. They are more like help, reminder etc to me. Let me give an example.

4 years ago when I flew to Perak for tertiary studies, I lost my luggage full of clothes (MAS mah, famous for that). I had 2 luggage for clothes but the formal ones (for registrations, classes and lectures) were in the one lost. Talk about being unlucky. I was wearing sleeveless top and jeans at the moment. I had to shop for formal attire (which ended up not so formal; faint pink slacks and blouse) to attend the registration that very afternoon at UTP, about 45 minutes away from any shopping centre. For shoes, there was simply no time, so I had to do with my bright blue sneakers. I remember being the brightest person there, with pink pants and bright blue shoes. Everyone was wearing baju kurung (Malay female attire) and black shoes (as indicated in the letter of acceptance).

Anyway, we lodged a complaint to MAS office and there was this officer who was really nice and helpful. I will always remember his help (we were so helpless back then). But all efforts were in vain, and my luggage couldn’t even be tracked! Usually they can track if the lost luggage had been misplaced and flown to another destination or left behind and so on. But mine was, ostensibly, lost in space. He (forgot the officer’s name) asked for detailed description of my luggage and I did give him. Maybe to me I think it is quite detailed but he thought my description was really common. He needed special or unique criteria to spot my luggage. Come to think of it, I think the airport must have had about infinite numbers of bluish green luggage of (the dimensions I gave then but forgot now) in size. After registration, my mum, aunt and I stayed over at Syuen Hotel waiting for news from MAS. But none came.

That night I fell asleep worrying over my luggage. Then, suddenly the phone rang and voila it was good news from MAS! They had found my luggage. The officer pulled my luggage over and handed it over to me. I was so happy to see my luggage. And I turned around to check my luggage for ‘unique’ criteria in case it gets lost again in future. My mum, and aunt were chatting with (and thanking) the officer happily.

Suddenly I exclaimed, “Hey look at this, I have this name tag over here.” The back of the bag was labeled with my name and address. I had done it few years back when I was traveling but I totally forgot about it. The officer said with a smile, “Yes, that’s the kind of information we need to track your bag. But that label is a bit too small. You should make a bigger and more visible one next time.”

And then I woke up. I immediately told my mum about the ‘dream’ I had. She told the officer about the name tag and within 3 hours later the scene in my dream realized in reality. Was it only a dream… or more?

Okay, back to what I was trying to say. The dream brought out the dilemma I was probably trying to forget when awake. It is probably one that I can’t decide so rather not think about.

I have choice A, which is among the top of my priorities. Choice B is among my priorities but not among the top. So, it is obvious that I should take choice A right? Yes, that’s what I’ve decided. But then, why is that dream haunting my slumber?

Choice A is a rather dead choice. Not to say it is not good, but meaning it is a choice you can take as long as you want to (and of course have the ability to). Maybe I should rephrase it as a fixed choice. Meaning the chances to take this choice will be open as long as you work hard enough for it. As in, there is no other party/ person who can stop you if you take this choice (well, literally speaking la). The timing is more flexible, though for ultimate result, it should still be weighed carefully in decision making. This choice is also open and I can venture into it as much as I want, doing background research/ preparation before I decide the pros and cons of it. I am very clear about it; maybe that’s why I am sure I want to take this choice.

Choice B is a little more alive or undead, which means it is not very fixed. It means the chances open for this choice is limited. And there will be a party/someone who can actually have the authority to obstruct you from taking this choice. But for now (or I think) it is not a problem, which means for now the chances are open for this choice. The timing for this choice is more limited too (I think). Although, I’ve been assured the timing is not critical but I don’t know how much I believe that. And even if it’s true that the timing is as assured, but there will still be a day when it will expire. This choice is kind of blurry to me. That’s because this choice has fluctuating and contrasting information. This choice can’t be penetrated as deeply as the one above because it will have side effects. It can only be observed and ‘learnt’ from the surface. And maybe that’s why I daren’t take this choice as I don’t have the guarantee and may regret if choice B does not turn out as expected and at the same time had caused me to destroy my dream in choice A.

Actually there’s another choice, a harmonious combination of both A and B above, Choice C. It is the ultimate choice I want, but I didn’t put it in my list of choices because this choice is not mine alone. There will have to be consent from anther party so I would not consider it a choice because it is not my choice totally. I do not have the entire right to make this choice.

So rationally, I should go for choice A. It may lead to future lament but if I take it, I am guaranteed of what is promised in Choice A. The only thing is I will never know what happens if I had taken Choice B instead. Sounds like the Robert Frost poem; The Road Not Taken. And that will bring a significant amount of regret because I do not deny the fact that if I could have more information and support for Choice B, its priority will rise considerably for me to willingly let go of Choice A. I guess this is something about risk. If I risk my head for Choice B, and do not get the return, it’s not worthy of letting go Choice A but nevertheless nowhere near the end of the world, whereas if I choose Choice A, I can sail a smooth journey and will safely anchor at my dream destination.

If only Choice C is available, I’ll be the happiest person on earth. Too bad, that’s not (entirely) my choice.

Argghhh, every time I think of this I go crazy and haywire. That’s why I’d rather not think. Get OUT of my HEAD!!!