Kam Siah, Ah Ma!*

When my paternal grandmother passed away, I did not shed a single tear. It is not to say that I do not care or love her, but it is just my honest and sincere reaction, of just sitting there quietly without all the weeps and fuss. I felt that it is just the progress of human life, of it going on. We can’t expect someone to be by us forever right? I sat there, recalling all she did for us, all the memories, and laughter. I respect her, appreciate her, and most of all love her. And then, it is the time to close that certain chapter of the book. I admit that I do not feel a very intimate bonding with her, which I do not know and do not wish to blame on anything / anyone / factor. The fact she lived away from Kuching, gave us fewer chances to be together and thus interacting. We don’t even speak the same mother tongue because I (a Hakka) can’t converse in Hakka, though I can listen.

But when I visited my maternal grandmother some time ago in my aunt’s apartment, I can’t help feel the ache in my heart, the threat of tears by the brim of my eyes. I was overwhelmed with sorrow. She was eating dinner slowly due to mobility constraint. I fed her a little, chatted and went through some old time photos with her. Our conversation more or less revolves around the few same topics and repeating questions. Her repeating questions did not bother me a bit, nor did it get to my nerve (as it did with most of others), but simply made me feel even sorrier for her. Evidently, her memory was deteriorating as is her sight and her hearing ability.

My eyes wandered around the apartment, and landed on my grandmother’s and late grandfather’s wedding photo. I was a bit surprised because the photo illustrated a well-groomed handsome lad in an expensive looking white, western suit and my grandmother in an equally stunning wedding gown. I had always known my grandparents did not live a lavish life. I thought perhaps they had somehow managed forked out a sum for that once in a lifetime marriage.

It is only then when I know (from my mum) that my grandfather was actually the only son of a wealthy businessman, who later lost his business and became blind. Meanwhile my grandmother was also the only daughter of another businessman, but later left an orphan after her parents died tragically in a fire. My grandmother had lived a bitter life, and it only became better (supposing to be better) after her 7 children grew up and worked. Two of her children even managed to become graduates.

My grandmother is a rather interpersonal person. She is quiet and has no demands at all, yet her silence taken forgranted. Believe me, she did not voice any of her discontents (if she has any), but it is I (yes I’m kepoh), who felt she needs to be given some justice. She demands nothing, yet is forever giving.

Now that they all have their own family, everyone seems too ‘busy’ or ‘occupied’ or ‘unable’ to look after her, or even spare her any time or patience to talk to or listen to her. One of her son-in-law even found it distressing to simply reach out to receive the angpow (Chinese red packet) she was giving him in the last Chinese New Year. The sight is simply heart-wrenching.

The current ‘hot’ topic among the relatives is ‘to re-locate’ my poor grandmother. She is currently staying with her eldest daughter. Yes, she’s staying with a daughter (although it’s Chinese’ custom for the elderly to stay with the son), and how she ended up staying there in the first place was due to my grandmother’s ever giving and helpful soul (when she was younger and energetic that is). Now, after a few more decades, she’s becoming a ‘nuisance’ to those she had once helped unconditionally. And the discourteous son-in-law mentioned, is a highly educated one, she had once helped.

I highly doubt it but in the case that any of my relatives read this, I must declare that I am speaking neutrally. I am not against anyone. I am just stating the fact for us all to recall. To recall, why we are all in today’s situation, and most of all to recall why we are able to be here today to face this problem! Have it not been her, we wouldn’t even be here. Do not forget our roots! Otherwise, we will be easily uprooted (defeated).

Easier said than done? True. Because I myself haven’t have the financial stability to mend her pitiful fate from all of you yet! But I vow, if this goes on, the moment I am able to feed an extra mouth besides my own, she will be first in my priority. Yes, I believe we must be helpful but along the way we must have a stable income and be independent. Otherwise instead of helping we will be troubling others.

Actually, I understand that, with exception of a certain child of my grandmother, the rest of her children are very willing to have her at their homes, but are unable to do so because of their other half. In short, it’s stirred up by my grandma’s children-in-law gang. Even if he/she is not your real parent, they are after all your parents-in-law right? Hmmmhhh, I don’t know. For me, any elderly, parents or not, deserve respect and appropriate care, what’s more if they are your parents or parents-in-law…

Okays, I don’t want to sound like I’m preaching. I mean, just think about it. She fed, bathed, cooked, cleaned, took care of you AND so-called in-laws AND even your following generation, the least you could do is give her a peaceful home (and patience) for just some few years.

*Kam Siah, Ah Ma! (Hokkian) = Thank you, Grandma!