Jumbled

The absence, was it being too busy or being too free? Sometimes when I am so busy, I tend to ask myself what is this, that and all the ‘busy’ for? For the three meals a day? No, any other simpler jobs would have given me a satisfactory three meals. Then for the higher pay? True, any other jobs would have given me a satisfactory three meals but I wouldn’t have the extra to do what I want. But what other extras do I want? Oh I know. I have a habit. A BAD habit I would say. I collect stuff. *cough* Okay, I collect expensive stuff. Hmm, it’s not that expensive in my opinion. Like RM100-RM500 a set/ a piece. Like when I was a fan of Swatch some time ago, I had wanted to collect them then. But so far I have only three. Haha… cause my ‘obsession’ for it wore off. I think it is normal. At least I am not collecting cars. That’d be a bit ‘over’ for my financial status. So currently I’m collecting erm… something which also cost RM100-RM300 a set. But then they are so expensive, so I decided to get the 2nd hands and only collect the brand new collection when I start working.

Then, why I am in university? I don’t know why, education doesn’t seem very important to me. But it sure is for society nowadays. Is that why I am in tertiary studies? So much for saying I don’t flow with the crowd, its easier said than done huh? *Sigh* Luckily I’m already in, if not I doubt that I’d make another same choice. Haha… Yet if I’m not busy, what do I seek for? I don’t even know what I want. It feels very meaningless to be busy and striving everyday and not know where you want to head. But at the times when I let everything go and be ‘free’ I also ask myself, “What now?” Yeah, what now? So I’m free, so what do I REALLY want to do? But I still can’t do it. Because when I ‘free’ myself, I am still actually ‘tied’. I can never be totally free.

Actually, when I blank everyone else, and I mean everyone else, out of my world, I ask myself what is if that I want? I have the clear picture; the simple, crystal-clear answer. But in reality, I can never achieve that as no man is an island. I can never be really without those intervening people. Without them, I wouldn’t be here too. *Sigh* such a dilemma. I don’t know why, I seem to find days becoming more and more meaningless. Maybe because I am totally sure I can never achieve what some other people expect of me. And after about two decades, I am decay from striving to achieve (what a naïve me) what certain people expect, to just fulfilling whatever those certain people request. I lost the initiative and spirit to strive since their satisfaction limit is never achievable. And now …gradually perishing into a nonchalant leave-me-alone.

I am tired of doing what SHOULD be done, instead of what I want to do. But then clearly understanding that the ‘dream’ is now even more distant to me than ever, I am back to where I had paused to brood, I am back... to be the puppet… whatever that I SHOULD be.

p/s: the dis-orderly of this post shows how messed up my mind is. Pardon it :P